The last quarter of the year is passing by so quickly and this week has been particularly the fastest yet. Despite that, I had time to look back to the past months where I had experienced some unwell time. And of course to thank God for seeing me through. I have made some humble steps for growth and sometimes I hardly recognize myself — in a good way. Right now I want to keep fanning the fire and be a piece of burning charcoal to those who need me.

I have this habit of voice recording my overflowing thoughts which could not be conveyed properly on paper. I listened to my recordings from last week to five months prior and scrolled through my notes to see if there are also entries. You will really notice the change in the tone and feel of each recording and the words used in each note. Five months prior sound heavy, tells about just trying to live and looking forward to dying as the greatest reward. Very selfish.

I remember that was when I decided to have my 3rd attempt in Training for Victory. I know I needed to re-align myself and the best thing I could think of is, of course, filling my tank with Gospel stuff. I thought the training is redundant because of how many times I've heard the topics. But, no, the Word of God is a double-edged sword. There is always something new.

It was life-changing.

From someone who used to see life as a burden, I now have the appreciation of it. I see things differently. I live every single day with a smile on my face, knowing exactly what is my season, and trying not to get distracted. I am choosing my battles. I still have a lot to learn and I am thankful for people who did not give up on me. And for those people who God had and has been using to show me how beautiful life is and for teaching me things I often overlook.

Through the course of this year, my relationship with my father had grown into something much overwhelming than before. He has turned into my mentor and I have learned to listen, to accept I have flaws, and to humble myself and make myself think deeper than I used to. I have learned to be tougher but no longer hiding behind my walls. Learned to be soft but wise. Learned to open up but still guarding my heart. One thing I am yet to master is how to be happy while not getting too overwhelmed.

There is so much to learn in this life, so much to do, so many stories to hear and share, so many things to see, so many people to meet, so many places to go, so many songs to sing.


That's all. Like how I used to leave footprints of my unwell times, I also want to leave footprints of the good times to serve as a reminder to myself that life is beautiful and things shall pass.

I still get anxious but I'm learning to work around that.

Every Saturday night I'd be frustrated to be facing yet another work week. Not because I have a pile of work to do but because I don't. It frustrates me to not have anything to channel my energy into. And I think I figured out one way to at least relieve the stress of it. By night I will try to write down some things to accomplish the next day. As simple as making my bed, taking a shower, getting breakfast, sending out emails, cooking, running, stretching — just mundane things I could think about. Since I've also read something about coping with anxiety that includes having a list or routine.

Well, a list helps. But being a spontaneous person I know I won't be able to stick to it all the time. And believe me, I loathe routine. I strongly dislike it. I get easily bored of lots of things.

So, whenever I find myself lost I would ask myself: "what do you want to do?" "what would make you happy?" "is there anything you want to eat?". And then I would eventually drop whatever I'm doing and proceed with the answer.

Someone told me I have my own world — that I do whatever I want to do. I think that is only happening now because a few years ago I am only a machine receiving 1's and 0's. But you know what? I like that about me. No, actually, I love that about me. To know what I want and chase that.

I was flipping pages from one of my notebooks and found the page where I wrote down my faith goals during prayer and fasting. I don't usually ask specific or material things during prayer and fasting and my constant personal faith goals would always be general things like healing and restoration, career path, and spiritual growth. However, one line caught my eye while skimming through the list —know & love myself more — that's what I asked for. To know and love me more. And true enough this year has been the year I am most honest with myself where I have acknowledged my flaws and weaknesses, accepted them and learned to be kinder to myself.

I've learned to constantly check for myself if I am happy where I am. I think this roots from those few years I mentioned where I was too focused on pleasing people in my life. Trying to do what I feel would be right in their opinions; trying to compensate for pasts mistakes; trying to give all the love I have; just trying to be Little Miss Nicey-nicey — and then there's betrayal. I think I've exhausted myself to the point where I can no longer draw any love from my well. I forgot to keep some for myself to come back to.

Essentially that is the time where my hunger was at its peak and I know only God can fill that void.

Looking at myself now, I can say I am satisfied.

I am happy.

I have come to terms with the harsh reality of the world.

I acknowledged I am a work in progress.

I have learned how to genuinely love myself.

If there is a song lyric that would best describe the process, it would be:

I found my life when I laid it down.

I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground.

Describe three legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

The moment this question popped up, I tried to dig the answer as fast as I can. But I could not.

So I thought, maybe I don't have a fear that strikes that much?

I gave myself a few minutes, a few hours, another day. And of course, the idea popped in the wee hour of the night and up to this moment whilst writing this entry still on my PJs. It looks like I don't have a strong 'phobia' on anything. So I had to touch base with the topic. "Define fear", I told Siri.

| ˈfir |
NOUN
an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain or a threat.
  •  (archaic)  a mixed feeling of dread and reverence.
  •  a feeling of anxiety concerning the outcome of something or the safety and well-being of someone.
  •  the likelihood of something unwelcome happening

Now, I think a fear for me is that idea so strong it makes me extremely anxious thinking about it. Do I have those? Yes. Let's start.