I was in a wrong relationship for four years.

If you are going to ask me why it lasted that long when I know it was wrong, my answer would be it happened for a reason.


I was young, about to turn 18 when I got into this relationship while he was already 24. Back then I thought I finally found the one. We met at church and were playing in the same music team. Although we had some sort of bad friction the first time we met, we turned out to be good friends - we really clicked, and eventually got into a relationship with a title. But the relationship stayed within the two of us only for two years. Not even our friends knew about us. We hid for two years because my parents were against our relationship. The usual against all odds type of relationship. We don't get to see each other all the time and if we go on a date we had to carefully plan it out.

We stayed in that setup for two years and after a conflict, I finally had the guts to tell my second parents (our Pastor and his wife) and my biological parents about our relationship.

It was quote a relief to finally get the relationship public - no more hiding, no more guilt. Immediately, our Pastor put us into the dating couples' mentoring along with other couples. Of course, I was the youngest. There, we had the chance to know each other deeper - as in. Sometimes the sessions and activities would be stressful but we would always manage to finish. We passed the last task - the hardest as they warned us. After that, I was very confident everything is finally okay and that we have everyone's blessing - most especially God's blessing that I even told God if he's not the one for me, take everything away, cut connections, remove all the feelings we had for each other, remove everything. Little did I know I was putting myself in a very dangerous position.

Everything started to fall apart.

Past issues resurrected.

It grew worse.

I broke up with him.

The breakup was very devastating. It was the night before we were supposed to pickup my parents in the airport. I changed my mind a week later but his response was not what I was expecting. I didn't know what to do.

We met a few days after to settle the issue. We decided to call it off and he prayed for us before we finally went to each other's homes. There were loads of tears shed while we were talking. I was confused to see him crying but hearing him say he wants to call it off. I really didn't understand.

I started work a few months later. We were back together again, but back to being incognito also. Back then I was already enjoying my time being single, but I just couldn't resist him making up with me. It has been more than a year of being on and off with the relationship getting more and more toxic in each passing day, in each passing breakup, in each passing making up. We've changed into persons we no longer recognize. It was terrifying.

I left the Philippines, confidently knowing I could start over with my life.

But there he is again making up with me, risking for the long-distance type of relationship. And then there's the fragile me. You already know what happened. That LDR was nothing short of stressful like our on-off relationship back in the Philippines. Toxic. Depressing. Breeding anxiety in each passing day. It's not working anymore. We tried to make it work sooooo many times but it just won't. It feels like trying to put the same side of a lego together - useless, always coming undone.

We decided to call it off - AGAIN.

I thought it will be okay, but I couldn't easily shake-off the attachment. I tried to reach him out, but to my surprise, an unknown female voice answered my call. She does not know me either. That sent chills down my spine.

It was the first time. It was around 9PM in the Philippines. Not even a month after the breakup.

I was in shock.

There were so many things coming at me. I had so many questions in mind. I was really in shock.

I was so angry - at him, at God, at everyone.

I would question God and I would cry for days.

Those were the darkest days of my life.

I would constantly wrestle with God though I don't know what I was fighting for. I just wanted to release the pain and anger I feel and I want it to be justified. I would think of insanely possible things to make him pay for with what he did. For days I would feel like God is shaking me, telling me to pull myself together and listen to Him. But I won't. I would succumb to the misery I was feeling.

Until one day I realized I had nowhere to go anymore. That I couldn't win this wrestling. That I couldn't hide or run away from God anymore. That I couldn't fight my way to getting what I want - revenge. Suddenly, it just hit me.

Wala naman pala dapat sisihin (there was no one to blame)

Wala naman palang nagkulang (no one lacked thereof)

Wala pala dapat galit (there wasn't supposed to be grudge held)

Mali pala ang pundasyon (the foundation was wrong)

Kaya pala gumuho na lang bigla (that it just caved in)

I gathered up all the pain inside me and I cried and cried and cried. I reminisced every good thing my ex and I have been through - even the bad things. I cried a lot more. And then I prayed. At first I was just thinking to myself. But I thought it's better to speak it out, since it helps me better hearing words spoken/ declared to me directly. So, I declared healing, deliverance, and renewing to myself. I heard myself audibly asking forgiveness from the Lord. I heard myself crying and being honest, I even said things I didn't know I was holding in. I was crying hard. I was pleading, sobrang pagod na pagod na ako (I am helplessly tired). But during my prayer, hindi lang pagod ang naramdaman ko (I didn't just feel tired). Somewhere may gaan akong naramdaman (I felt lightness). I felt God working, I saw a wall being built - parang may fortress (like there was a fortress), parang may pinoprotektahan (like there's something being protected). And typing this, I believe that is me.

I'm tired of asking people na wag nila ako bibitawan or susukuan (not to let go of me or get tired of me). I realized, ako pala ang dapat hindi sumuko sa sarili ko (I should be the one not getting tired of myself), ako pala ang dapat hindi bumitaw sa pagkakakapit ko kahit dumudulas na at parang di ko na kaya ang bigat (I should be the one not letting go despite of slipping and feeling like I couldn't take the heaviness anymore). Ako lang pala ang hindi pa nagdedesisyon (I'm the only one not making a decision). So, right then and there, after my prayers, I decided to look up and stop sulking and self-pitying - today I start walking again. Pero hindi na sa mga daan na ginagawa ko, kundi sa daan kung san ako dinadala ni Lord (not on the paths I made, but on the path where the Lord is leading me to). I saw myself walking hand-in-hand with God and on my other hand I hold a torch. Because this coming year, I will walk with Him and we will win the race!

True enough, to fulfil the prophecy, I ended 2016 and started 2017 victorious. That was when everything started to fall into place. I landed a job a few days after that total surrender, I was back to leading worship, I had a clearer vision of what's ahead, my discernment was back, I had better prayer times, I had stronger relationship with my family, I found true friends, I had internal peace, joy and love, I feel God is closer than ever, and many more! I was told that was what God wants to settle first with me. Well, I've never been more grateful and accomplished in my entire life. The turn was unbelievable. Whenever I look at myself today, I don't see the old me anymore - I don't even see any broken part! God is really good!