Well, what happened today was that I think I’ve found the spark— rediscovered that passion I’ve been born with and had the nudge to step out and start. This is quite an overwhelming post to start with but let me take you from the beginning.
I woke up before 10:00 today — not what my body wanted but I am obliged — after hours of weird dreams my intoxicated mind has played in my head. That dream was less weird than those I kept on having during my episodes of anxiety attacks. I’ve seen my friends from high school mostly and we were dancing — I don’t know where that came from. But the most interesting thing is this: In a classroom setting, we were asked to pick a line from a list and tell a story from it. Now, I think the line I picked was ‘all friends leave’. I, in the dream, struggled to pick from the lines and even to start with what to say. But suddenly a eureka moment happened and I was speaking in an expanse and accuracy of words not even my waking life self could have imagined! I WAS TALKING ABOUT HOW MISERABLE MY HIGH SCHOOL LIFE WAS AND HOW IT CONTRIBUTED TO MY TRUST ISSUES AND DYSFUNCTION IN THE PRESENT— INFRONT OF MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASSMATES AND TEACHER WOW WHAT WAS I THINKING! But! — It was a freeing moment! As if it was all I wanted to say my whole life. It might be the only highschool-related dream I woke up from where I did not feel bad. Good show!
I have a mentoring to attend at 16:00 which was scheduled Ramadan last year. Heh. Things got in the way but, oh well, it's finally happening! Funny though, I started feeling dragged down midday. My heartbeat went abnormal, my chest felt heavy. I kept rummaging in my head trying to figure out what. is. wrong. and I don't know! All I could make out of what I'm feeling was I feel compromised. It was all I could think of. And I couldn't make sense out of it. So, I was having second thoughts on going to this mentoring. You know, the typical crippling social anxiety of an... extrovert — this is very ironic.
I wore my favourite sparkly teal sweater.
Took my sparkly rose gold planner with me.
Sprayed my sparkly gingerbread latte perfume.
I TOOK ALL THE SPARKLES I NEEDED TO FEEL GOOD, ran out and caught the bus just in time.
Another weird thing I do is plug my earphones but not play any music. I do things. We all do things.
So! I was late for my date! But there she is, God bless her heart, waiting for me.
And we talked. Like old friends catching up. A few minutes into the conversation, all my walls went crashing down. I was talking non-stop, sharing more than what I planned to, and welling up. In other words, I opened up myself. I am vulnerable in front of this human.
(Brief background: Last year, I was praying for a specific person to ask for mentoring and God showed her to me through a vision. We weren't close, not at all. Only 'hi' and 'hello' in church. But I mustered all the courage I could to talk to her and tell her about my prayer. She accepted and prayed for me. By the end of that conversation, I was bawling.)
She talked me through different areas in my life and we have uncovered things that were needed to be dealt with. I was taking mental notes in my head and was quite overwhelmed by it. But I was not worried. Because this was the growth I've been desiring. In order to grow, we need to go through seasons in our lives and go through things we have never gone through before.
I briefly shared about us being baby onions and turning into big onions as we become covered with unnecessary issues that have piled up throughout the years. And that in order to return to the baby onion state we were before — joyful and pure — we need to peel ourselves and boy is it painful and arduous!
I even joked about our conversation being an inner healing deliverance session and we both had a good laugh about it! But to be honest it did feel like it.
Unlike the previous years, I didn't have a Word from God about what season I will be in this year.
2015: "Every cutting, every refining is hard and painful. But know, my daughter, that my strength is sufficient for you", says the Lord.
2016: The year of new friendships.
2017: "This is not your year for a romantic relationship. This is the year where you will discover more about who you are and you will mould and build yourself. This is not a year of comfort zones, but you will be storm-proof. You will be stretched, but you will grow and prosper. Remember the seven years of plenty. The pruning has finished. This is another season."
2018: I went into 2018 excited but clueless. So I asked God to confirm my season to me through His people. Like a compiler waiting for a clear set of code.
Last year, what triggered my depression was my career. I was very lost. I am not happy where I was. I am not happy with what I'm doing. I just wanted to get over every single day until the weekend comes. I stay up late just to see the clock turn to 00:00 marking another day has passed.
I HAVE NO PEACE.
And I spent half the year condoning the routine I am in. I battled all the frustrations and self-doubt because I had no choice. And because I need to get on with my life despite every passing day taking that life out of me, burning every strand of my being that is 'me', and reprogramming it as another type of machine needed for whatever is in front of me.
(Okay, I'm starting to feel nauseous...)
I prayed and cried and prayed and cried and did everything I could to get myself out of that situation because Irish Kate is slowly dying and honestly losing all the will to continue despite whatever is in store for her. Until I finally had my way. All the sleepless nights went away. There was light! I waited for the right time to leave and waited on God should He has anything else to tell me or teach me, when suddenly!— God spoke to me and we made a deal. I will give myself enough time to help out doing everything I can do to help and after that, I can pursue my passion.
Oh, the passion, my passion! What is it!
I think it's the work you do that doesn't feel like work; one that makes you wake up every day with a heart full of joy regardless of anything.
And for me, aside from leading worship, I think that is writing. Still and forever will be.
...
I'm sorry this post is tedious and my thoughts are all over the place but that is all of it. This is what I want to go back to; this is today's footprint.
